Bloggin at the Bank

This post might be a complete train wreck. I'm writing on my phone at work, so yes I am a terrible employee. But since I'm on the clock at work it makes me feel like I'm a paid writer which is cool haha. Anyway. I only got 30 minutes of sleep last night and I'm writing this in my free time in between helping customers so I'm sure it will be all over the place so bear with me. It's crazy to think its only been a week since I first started writing, it feels like a year. I feel like I've lived a lifetime these last 2 months. So much has gone on and I've grown up so much. I feel like I've finally become the man God blessed me with the ability to be. Really the man I always was, just now I'm constantly that man. I've come to think the people don't really change, rather they grow. Instead of becoming racially different people, you instead become a better or worse version of who you really are. And I feel like I'm a completely new and better version of the me that I let people see. I know there were bad and sketchy times when I was trying to self destruct my life, but that's days are gone and it's all happy times with me from here on out. 

There's been some really encouraging times this last week. From random people telling me they read what I wrote and that it was inspiring, to finally having the close relationship with my mom I've always wanted. We still butt heads but we are just the same person so that's naturally gonna happen haha. I feel just naturally happy and joyful. I have so much love and compassion in my heart to give. But at the same time I feel so heart broken and weak. It's such a juxtaposition. It's like the happier and healthier and closer to God I feel, the more my heart breaks. For just short of 2 years, when I was dating the aforementioned "girl", I was the same person I am now. I was the same happy go lucky guy, but there was this darkness inside of me and eventually it broke out. But the guy she fell in love with, and wanted to spend the rest of her life with was truly me. And that's why my heart is so broken sometimes. Because I'm finally that man now 24/7 but I don't know if I will ever be given a second chance. It sucks so bad. I'm so happy now, and I have all these awesome plans for things to do and places to go and all I want to do is do all these things with my best friend but I haven't even talked to her in weeks. It's been even longer since I've seen her. I miss her so much, with every inch of my being. I struggle to sleep most night because I lay there and think about her, and how incredibly happy we were, and when I do fall asleep I dream about her. It's so painful to know that the stupid things I did to hurt myself is what she remembers. I never meant to hurt her but I did, and now that hurt covers the amazing times we had. I mean if you were ever around us I think it was pretty obvious to see how amazing we were together. And to think I may never get the chance to show her that's the happiness we can always have now that I'm healthy is heart breaking. I love this girl so much. And it's not just like a love of hanging out with them and doing fun stuff together and then not being there for them in the hard times. Like I want to help pay off her student loans, I want to be there to hold her when she's crying. I want to be able to go through the bad times with her too, because they wouldn't be all that and because we'd have each other and we have God to strengthen us. Like that's what I'm most excited about. I remember how neat perfect our friendship and relationship was before and I can't even imagine how amazing it could be with God at the focus of it. 

And I think one of the hardest parts is seeing how this has affected people around me. (Mom don't get mad at me for bringing you up) but I know my moms hurting so bad. Her and "girl" were like BFF and that's really a huge deal. Like I couldn't ask for anything more than for my parents to like my girlfriend. And I know they love her so much. Even though we were married yet she was definitely already apart of the family and I know my mom loves her like her own. And literally everyone at church asks where to pretty girl that was always with me is. She had become apart of my family and my church family and it hurts me so bad to not have her anymore. So much of me wants to revert back to my old ways and feel so extremely guilty and let it destroy my life, but I'm never going back there again. I know God has a plan for me and a plan for "girl". If we don't end up together I know we will have both grown way closer to God and really that's what it's all about. But I also know that if she can trust in Him enough to give me another chance that we can be even so much more than we ever were. And I know I hurt her so bad but I believe I deserve a second chance. And yeah that might be a biased opinion, but I know what it's like now to lose everything, to hit rock bottom. And trust me, once you've been there your life will be completely changed. 

And if you've made it this far I hope this doesn't sound like a complete sob story. Really I am happy. Work sucks but I try to have as much fun as possible there. I'm working out regularly and feel like I'm in the best physical shape of my life. I'm recording my epic swimming pool trick shot sequel in my free time (yeah I'm  not above pitching my YouTube video in this blog) and trying to be as social as possible. I just want to be honest with y'all and honest with myself. And honestly, even though I'm really happy, my heart is broken. I miss my best friend and girl friend so bad. I've grown up so much in the last few months and I want nothing more than to put a ring on her finger and be with her for the rest of my life. But right now I can't even text her. So I will wait for her. No matter what she does in the mean time or how long it takes. I will wait, and hopefully somehow she will see the man I truly am. And hopefully she'll that she means so much more to me than anyone because I don't think many guys would do this for a girl because this is literally the worst haha. But I would do it for her every single time without a second thought. So if you're ready this please just pray for me. Pray for peace and patience because if you know me very well that's like the opposite of me. I'm very non stop and relentless and want to get things done now so this whole space thing is really testing out who I really am now. And pray for "girl". Pray that her heart be healed. Pray that she finds happiness whether it's with me or not, because all I have ever wanted for her was to be purely happy. (And if you want to pray that she take me back be my guest because I believe that I can make her happier than any other guy on earth by a long shot haha) 

So there's my sleep deprived shpeal. I'm literally running on 30 mins sleep and a Dr. Pepper and pop tart breakfast so cut me some slack. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not saying I am. I'm still going to make mistakes and hurt people I care for. But I know I will never hurt people like I have in my past. 

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."(Philippians 3:12-14 ESV)

Consistency

Consistency. I think this is really what all friendships and relationships are grounded on. Where trust truly comes from. That no matter what happens, that person will be there for you. That you will live up to the promises you've made. And really consistency is what you look for in anything in life. You don't want a car that inconsistent. Some days it starts and some days it doesn't. As an athlete you don't want to be inconsistent. You don't want to have great games some times, but there be games you literally just might as well not have shown up for. It's the same way in our walk with God. I feel like so many people are inconsistent with God. They call out to him when they are weak and hurting, and ask for all this miracles, but when He grants them and life is good you don't continue to praise Him. Like what good is it. We should be even more in love with God and want to talk to Him and be with Him more when he has blessed us. But I feel like most people tend to forget Him when life is good and that's ultimately why we fall in to bad times again. It's this viscous cycle. A cycle of inconsistency. Consistency is all about effort. You have to wake up every day and make the choice to dedicate that day to the things you want to be apart of. Life makes consistency so hard. Life is so busy and we get so caught up in just going through the motions. It's so easy to be dedicated to things when they are easy, but fall away from them when life gets hard and other things get in the way.

This is something I've struggle with so much in my life. In every aspect of my life. I would have awesome weeks or months when I would be really on top of my game. Working out every day, being a great friend and person, and making the most out of life. But then so quickly I could fall. Life would get hard and I wouldn't put the extra effort in to continue living that good life. I'd quit working out for a couple weeks, quit being a good friend and boyfriend and just be like a shell of myself. My past was just so horrible and it was such an unbearable weight to carry alone. I could pick up this weight and hold it and be the amazing person and man of God I know I am, but eventually that weight would just get so heavy that I would completely drop it and just fall back in to bad habits and be an awful person again. And then when I got some strength again I could pick it up and be amazing again. And so on and so on. I was so inconsistent.

In the past few weeks and especially the past few days on being completely transparent with my past, I've had a lot of people say things like "Man I had no idea you were going through so much because you always seemed so joyful and happy." And really I was. To anyone reading this who has been around me especially the last few years, I really was happy. Like that person is really who I am and is who I will forever be now. The joy and good times we had wasn't a lie or a cover up. I wasn't masking my hurt and pain with some person that wasn't really me, I was masking my pain with being the person I knew I could potentially be and that's the person I am now. But I was just inconsistent. It was impossible to be that person all the time because I was just struggling with too much. I was so alone and so broken and afraid. It was inevitable that I would fall and be a person that honestly disgusts me. And if you only saw the good times in me then you just weren't around me enough. Mainly I just took out everything on myself. That's how I hid everything from people. I could be myself, the joyful an loving person I really am, in public because in private I was destroying myself. And I was fine living my life like this. No one was close enough to me that it really affected anyone else. I hated myself so much that I was fine suffering quietly and alone.

But of coarse I met someone I couldn't deny. Someone I had such and instant bond and amazing connection and friendship with that I couldn't help but let them get close. This is the aforementioned "girl". We were best friends. I've never had so much pure joy with anyone in my life. And the joy I had with her was the real me. She made a connection with who I really am, the man I am now and forever will be. But obviously by the title of this post, I wasn't consistent. I could only carry the weight of my immense guilt of my past for so long. And when I would let it down, and become this self destructive person again, she was close enough to me that she got hurt. I never, not once in my life meant to hurt her. It was like I only wanted to hurt myself, but she was so close to me that she caught some collateral damage. And it sucks so bad because she didn't know about everything I was struggling with so she just assumed I was a jerk and was hurting her intentionally. And it's my own fault. She has every right to think that because big stupid dummy me didn't let her know what was going on. And the longer time went on the more tired I got. The weight wore on me more and more and it just got to heavy and I was this awful person more and more. I honestly felt like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. And I probably butchered the spelling of those names but I'm a math major and honestly I don't even know if I can read or spell a 3rd grade level anymore haha.

And in that lies the hardest part about consistency. Since it's tied in directly to trust, once you are an inconsistent person, people lose trust in you. They assume you will never change and you will always be inconsistent. And most of the time they have every right to believe that. I'm a big fantasy football guy, so this analogy goes out to all the guys, and if this makes sense to a girl, and you actually know what I'm talking about, then you will make some man very happy some day haha. I'm all about me some Peyton Manning. Let's say he's having an amazing season like always, but has back to back bad weeks. I can tell you right now I'm going to bench him and play some lesser player like Christian Ponder because in my mind Peyton has become inconsistent and I can't trust him. I mean that's just human nature I think. And so that person has to earn their trust back. They have to earn their title of consistent back.

And so that's where I'm at with my life. I know I can talk on here all day about how I've changed, but it doesn't mean crap if I don't prove it. For the past 4 years of college especially I was a really inconsistent friend, boyfriend, son, and whatever other title I could have had. And worst of all I was just non existent in my relationship with God. I lost so many opportunities with awesome people by being inconsistent. So many friends and relationships I made I let fall by the wayside because I let the devil tell me I was worthless and deserved to be alone. I lost 4 great years of opportunity in college, and lost the girl I wanted to spend my life with. So to all those people out there that I was inconsistent towards, I am so sorry. I'm sorry I let awesome opportunities slip past me. But I know I will never be that man again. I truly know that God has changed me, and that now I can be that person you met all the time. I'm not a different person now, I'm just a better person. (Look lets all take a moment to realize how awesome of a quote that was haha). The fun amazing times I had with any of you, that's who I am constantly now. I'm so in love with God it's impossible not to be that person all the time. It's impossible not to be consistent, because I now rely solely and the one true constant, God. (I'm like a quote machine tonight.)

Consistency is a choice. Life is all about choices. The things in life we choose to fight for are the things that are truly worth it. I choose to be consistent. I chose to live my life for my God. And I chose to put the awful ways of my past behind me, and always and forever be the man of God that I know I can be. I hope that you can give me another chance to see that.


"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." - 1 Corinthians 15:58

Regrets...(Just now realized you can post titles up here...what a dummy)

Regrets.

We all have them. Big and small. Whether it's regretting staying up too late when you're dead tired in the morning, or (insert some generic analogy everyone can relate to). It took me like 15 min to come up with that first analogy so leave me alone about that second one haha. Go write you're own blog, this is hard for me. Anyway, I wish my regrets were that small. I have so many regrets in life and they are mostly huge things. I guess this is as good of time as ever to dive in to my past, so buckle your seat belts and bear with me, because it sucks pretty bad.

When I was 12 years old I was the driver in an ATV wreck that was pretty bad. I was in a Polaris Ranger with 2 of my best friends and I rolled it over while being careless. To make a long story short, One of the girls who was riding with me, who had been my best friend since forever, got crushed by the vehicle. She was med flown to Childrens in Little Rock with a broken collar bone, some broken ribs, her pelvis was broken in 2 places, and both of her lungs had collapsed. This is probably my single biggest regret in life. I wasn't even supposed to be over at the house that this took place. My parents wouldn't have let me go. I was actually at another friends house and saw them riding the ATV and wanted to hang out with them so against my parents will I rode my bike over and joined. I sometimes wonder what could have been. Had I not looked out the window when I did and seen them riding by. I never would have know they were over there and none of this never would have happened. But we will get to my main point on regrets later, for now we continue with my past. When my parents found out about the wreck they flipped. And really they had every right to. I didn't tell them about it, they had to find out from a frantic phone call asking if I was ok. I was so scared. I mean I was 12. I didn't know what to do and I surely didn't know at that age how to man up and admit I messed up. Hannah (the girl in the wreck) wasn't doing very good. I don't really remember a ton of details because I've suppressed this memory for so long, but from what I remember the doctors weren't certain she would make it. This just completely crushed me. I was in 8th grade, kinda out on my own for the first time and this was my first impression of life and God. I remember sitting in the waiting room of the ICU at Childrens and just wanting to die. Like my best friend was in there barely clinging to life, hooked up to numerous machines and it was all my fault. I was driving and I didn't have a single scratch or scar to show for it. I was so overwhelmed with guilt. I finally got to go back and see her and it just made everything worse. She had IVs in both wrists and her thigh, and tubes running out of her chest nose and mouth. She looked so broken. They had her arms and legs strapped to the bed with like leather straps to keep her from ripping her tubes out. When I was back there she would thrash and pull on the restraints and I honestly thought I was going to pass out. I felt so responsible and alone. Maybe people tried to reach out to me and I just turned them away but I really don't remember. I felt so abandoned. I let all this guilt and pain turn in to deep seeded anger at everything. God, the world, family and friends. I resented my parents because I thought they didn't understand when really I just didn't give them a chance to. It was a living Hell and I couldn't escape it. It's all anyone talked about at school and I remember people making fun of me for "killing my best friend". I would come home from school and have to relive and retell the story over and over for insurance companies who would try and trick me in to admitting to killed Hannah so my family would have to pay for everything. It was just all to much. I honestly wanted to end my life. I used to ride my bike every day to some solid like 100 ft bluffs by my house and just dangle my body over the edge in hopes that I would slip and fall. I would sit there and get so mad at myself for not just jumping, but now I guess I'm starting to see that God wasn't done with me. This went on for about a month, and Hannah eventually fully recovered, but it didn't matter because I was completely broken. I developed a breathing disorder because of all the trauma and for the last 10 years I have had physical pain and torment with every single breath I take. When things were really bad I remember having panic attacks and basically just suffocating until I passed out and would start breathing normal again. It didn't stay that bad, but it was so annoying and tiring. It was so hard to play football and workout and honestly it was just impossible to enjoy life because every single breath was painful and a constant reminder of my horrible past. That's over 105 million breaths I've taken since then, and every single one just brings me pain and grief and reminds me of my horrible past and it's so frustrating. I've never admitted this, but shortly after all this I got baptized, and the reason I did is because I had every intention to commit suicide and didn't want to go to Hell. Depressing I know, but yeah, life was pretty sucky. So for the next 4 or 5 years of living at home I just kinda skated through life. High school was a joke, so I never really had any pressures to deal with. I basically had no relationship with my parents the entire time. I just felt like they hated me for what I did. I don't do well with failure. If you know me at all you'll understand that. I want to be the best at everything. And I just felt like I let down so many people. As much as I acted happy my heart was filled with such intense anger and hatred and I took it out on the people I cared about most. Freshman year of college came and went. I met new people and made a lot of amazing friends, but didn't want people to see the suicidal crazy person I was so I never let any of them see how much I was hurting. Sophomore year started and I really thought things were starting to look up and then one of the people I look up to most had a son who was born with only half a heart. The outlook was really grim and I went to go see them in Childrens and just all this pain and anger came flooding back. Like why would God do this? These were such nice, Godly people. They didn't deserve this. I hated God even more and just didn't think he cared about anything. I went home and cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning to find out my Grandpa died. I honestly still don't even know what to say. As though I couldn't feel any worse, now a man I looked up to so much, and hadn't gotten to see in a long time was suddenly taken. I spiraled completely out of control. I quit going to classes and just laid in bed all day and thought of how many ways you could kill yourself in a college dorm. I started partying and drinking heavily. I wanted nothing to do with this life anymore, and getting outrageously drunk was the easiest way to mask my pain. I just about failed out of school, and hurt some really good friends. I talked to a good friend of mine who lived next door and talking to him kinda made me realize I had to fix my life. I talked to my youth minister about everything and got the opportunity to speak at a youth rally in my home town. Things had started to look up. But instead of continuing to fight for my health, I just assumed I was all the sudden miraculously fixed. Even though I was feeling better, I still had awful days where I was just hurtful and rude and just still wanted to kill myself. And like every good story ever written it involves a girl, and this is where she steps in. Right after this I met the girl of my dreams. A girl I had wanted to talk to since Freshman year but was to scared. We started talking and things were perfect. If you've met someone like this you know what I mean. Like there was just something there I had never felt before. This girl is literally perfect. We will protect the identity of the innocent and call her "girl". Original I know. Meeting her was the best thing I had in my life, but I felt like I couldn't let her know that I still wanted to kill myself most days. I told her about the wreck any everything, but lied to her and acted as though I was fine and dandy and loved God and such. In my mind I couldn't ruin this perfect chance with the perfect girl by admitting that I hated God and wanted to commit suicide. She was so wonderful. And we were so wonderful. She made me want to be a better man. I put up a front and acted like the man I knew I could potentially be, but I wasn't that man at all. I was so happy with her and things were so good it really made me forget how truly broken I was. I still had this breathing disorder and this anger in my heart and there would be times I would take my anger out on "girl" but she always stuck it out with me. We had over a year and a half of pure happiness. She was literally all I had in life. I realize now how unhealthy and dangerous that is, but hindsight is 20/20. We had a perfect future planned, to get engaged soon, graduate college together, get married and start our life together. Well I found out I wasn't going to graduate on time and it just crushed me more than ever. "Girl" was literally all I had in life. I put my heart and soul in to making us perfect because in my head I had screwed up literally everything else in my life so I couldn't let our perfect plan be messed up. But this change of plans ruined me. I wish I had been rational and just realized this didn't really change anything but I guess God had to completely break me so that I could find Him again. So I felt like I let "Girl" down, so I turned my 10 years of pain and torment on to her. I started pushing her away and just being down right mean and awful towards her. I feel back to my alcoholic ways and just started getting stupid drunk again to hide from my pain and hurt. All I wanted to do was destroy my own life. I had wanted to kill myself for almost 10 years and still hadn't done it, so I just accepted that I wouldn't actually go through with it so I tried to end my life another way. My entire life was "Girl" so running our relationship in to the ground was my cop out for ending my own life with a gun. But instead of leaving me, she loved me even more. This just made everything worse. It made me realize I deserved her even less and less. It was just a horrible snow ball effect. I started acting out more and more. I felt more worthless than ever because I was hurting this perfect girl. This is where my social media talk from my last blog comes in. I felt so worthless and wanted to feel liked so I started flirting with girls to get a feeling of self worth. I knew I could meet these new girls and keep from ever having to face my past. I honestly feel so dirty looking back on my actions. I could hide all this from her because that's like literally what online talking was meant to do, which is why I hate it. I'll just be real with everyone, I ended up cheating on her. And on my main topic of regrets, this is the biggest regret of my life probably. "Girl" and I were off and on from like February until the end of school, and whenever we would break up I would flirt with this other girl to try and get some feeling of self worth. Right before graduation I decided to go on a 16 hour, 32 mile walk from Searcy to Heber Springs,
(which is a dumb idea btw) and really had a lot of time to think. I realized I was so broken and needed help, and that I wanted nothing more than to get healthy and spend my life pleasing God and getting "Girl" back. So right after school got out I went to go see a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever they are called. I was going to commit myself to God and get my life right, and in time admit everything to "Girl". My past, wanting to commit suicide, and cheating on her. But before I ever got the chance she found out about it, and rightfully broke it off with me for good. This was devastating. Worse than probably anything I had been through. I had let the severe trauma of my past, and the guilt that came with it, and all the mental issues it had created in me hurt the person I cared for most in life. I wanted so badly to just give up again and get super drunk and just do anything for numb my pain. But I knew I had to get help. I knew I had to fix the problems in my brain for myself, for my future, whether it was with "Girl" or not. So for the past 2 months now I have been going to counseling weekly and it has honestly made such a change in my life. I have gotten my relationship back with my parents and I feel closer to them than ever before. I knew at some point the honeymoon stage of all this would wear off so I made it a point to try and reach out to 2 people a week to talk to. Just to get extra advice and a new perspective on everything. I have fallen so in love with God in these last 2 months, and really feel like I'm finally living up to what He wants me to be. I have made such a drastic life change and feel like it's been pretty obvious. All I really want to do now is share my story and proclaim God's love in hopes I can help at least one person who is struggling like I was.

So there's my past. If you actually stuck with it and read through all that I really appreciate it. I know it's a long story but I want to be completely transparent with my life. I have nothing to hide. Hiding things ruined my life, and I will never do that again. So now I bring it all back to regrets. I want to regret my past so badly. I want to hate every second of it. I lost so many good friends, and literally lost what is supposed to be the best years of your life. I spent from 12 to 22 wanting to kill myself. And just to add salt to the wound, I ruined my love and trust in a person I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with. I haven't and never will love a person like I love that girl, and it's so hard not to hate God for letting me suffer through all that and feeling like I was all alone for 10 years and having to deal with all of that alone. Like that's the only reason I ever hurt her or anyone else in my life. It was because I hated myself and wanted to die. But I know I went through all this for a reason. Because I know now that I will be such an amazing man of God, and since I have been through so much, so young, that I will never let anything tear me down like that again. That is why I am so hopeful for the future and so in love with God. My happiness and joy is no longer something that is hiding immense pain and hurt. And I feel like it's very obvious if you just talk to me or spend 5 minutes around me. I know not everyone has gone through things like that, but that doesn't mean the things you struggle with and regret you have hurts you any less. So if you're are struggling to let the past go, and are regretting things, take it from someone who has lived that way for 10 years, just give it to God. He has a plan for you, and will never put you through more than you can handle. I know that's so cliche to say, and trust me there was so many times I thought I couldn't bare any more and something else awful would happen. But I'm still here. I made it. I weathered the storm. And if I can quote my good buddy Harvey Dent (if you don't get that, first of all do you live under a rock? and second of all go watch The Dark Knight) "The night is darkest just before the dawn, and I promise that dawn is coming." It really is true. Things got worse than ever right before they started to look up. And if I could give any advice to someone dealing with a lot of regret and pain, go talk to someone. Whether it is a counselor or parent or friend or whoever. Heck come talk to me. You don't have to go through life and struggles alone. I tried for 10 years and it will completely tear you down. God doesn't want us to go through this life alone. Be intentional about your relationships with people. One of my biggest mistakes was surrounding myself with people who negatively influenced me and brought out my angry and self destructive tendencies. I assumed no one cared about me, but I have been so overwhelmed with loving people these last 2 months.

So this is my life, my past, my story. I have been completely transformed and born again these last few months. I know I have a unique story, and want nothing more than to tell everyone I can, and hope that I can help anyone struggling like I was. I know that's why God put me through this, and I'm now living my life according to His will. I'm so sorry to anyone I've hurt in the last 10 years. I was a huge jerk at times, and was just hurtful and rude. I hope you can see that I'm just a human. One who went through some absolutely awful stuff, and tried to carry it alone and hide it from people, and it just became too much and I broke and became an awful person. And I hope you can also see the change in me. If you can't believe me and trust me when I say I've changed, then believe and trust in our God, who spoke this world in to existence. (seriously thought think about that, He just spoke, and created everything. That's sweet) In the same way he has placed His hands on my heart, and rebuilt me in to the incredible man I used to show flashes of at times. I will never become that man again, and I promise it's worth the risk to give the real me a chance.

“Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.” ― Henry David Thoreau

   (I suck at writing and I feel like the last paragraph is the best, so if you don't want to read the whole thing at least read the last paragraph. But just read the whole thing.)

 
  Recently I let my past control my life and I made a lot of mistakes, maybe one day I will explain all that on here but not today. I definitely used social media as a way to talk to people while still being distant because I didn't want anyone to see me for how broken I really was. So from now on I'm going to try and use social media in a positive way in hopes that what I have to say can help at least one person who is struggling. So this is my attempt to try and do something good online, where it seems just about all hope is lost, but whatever.
   Sometimes I really wish I lived in an earlier time. Don't get me wrong, I love technology. But I partly think it is only because I was raised on it. Technology has done many amazing things, but like all things with great potential, it doesn't take long for this corrupt world to find its weaknesses. Mainly my biggest grievance is how we communicate with people. I hate texting. I hate talking on the phone. I would much prefer to see someone, for them to physically be there when I talk to them. So much of conversation is non verbal and all that is lost. I think you would really find out who actually cared about you if you turned off your phone and computer and waited to see who would still try and be apart of your life.
   So off my rant of my dislike of social media and back to trying to help people with my story. You're gonna have to bear with me. I'm a Math and Business major and get easily distracted so all this writing is hard for me. But social media and communicating with people on technology really tore my life apart. I was a very broken person and so this way I could talk to people that I didn't need to be talking to without people knowing. It allowed me to hide behind my computer and phone and keep people at a safe distance so they couldn't see my awful past. And this is really the only reason I spoke to these people. I was so ashamed of my past that I wrongfully assumed the people I cared about would be too, so I pushed them away and started associating with people who I could keep my past from. It made my heart so callused. The people who cared for me would try to help, but them trying to help made me think that I deserved them even less. Like I would treat these people badly, and I had this awful past, but they wanted to help me. I didn't think I deserved that so I wrongfully pushed them away and associated myself with people I shouldn't have. And back to my point about technology and how we use it to communicate, this is how i communicated with these people. I could talk to them this way without the people I cared about knowing, and that was so wrong of me to do.
   I'm changing all that now. It's been almost 2 months now since I hit rock bottom. I had thought many times before in my life that I had hit it, but man it was a real wake up call to find out what complete rock bottom really was. I have changed my life so much in theses couple of months, but I will probably talk about all that later. I've made it a point to disassociate myself with people on social media that won't strengthen my walk with God, and help me be the person I want to be. Deleted phone numbers and blocked people all together. This is mainly regarding girls. Just with the awful past I had I really thought I was worthless. I thought no one liked me, not even God. So I got my gratitude and self worth out of flirting with girls and getting them to like me, even when I wasn't single. It was such a disgusting and shallow thing to do, but I was such a broken person. But I'm not any more. I've been working my butt off these last few months to fix what was wrong with me and put my life back together. So now I'm getting all my relationships and friendships right. Letting people go who aren't good influences on me and what I want out of my life, and reaching out to people who are there for me. In the last few weeks I've reached out to a few close friends online and have been really encouraged to find out how many good and loving friends I have. Friends that I ignored and hurt because of my past and how it affected me, but they stuck it out through the bad times and are there for me now and praying for me.
   I'm going to go ahead and end this because I know if I don't I will type all night and cover multiple topics and it will be a confusing mess. But check back because I'm going to try and post very consistently on here. It's good therapy for me. There's so many things I want to tell people but can't, so this is a positive way to think out loud. And the hope that I could be ministering to someone makes me so incredibly happy. If you're reading this and have known me for a while, you've probably been through some pretty bad times with me. Now that I think about it I can't really think of one good friend that I personally didn't destroy our relationship. So whoever you are I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I have been through so much. In the last 12 years I have gone through more than I feel any person should ever have to go through, and a lot of it was at such a young age. And probably the worst stuff I went through I've never admitted to anyone. Friends, family, girlfriends ect. Maybe one day I will be able to share everything. But I felt so alone. And it was my own fault. I was so broken as a 12 year old. I was scared. I mean heck I was only 12. I alienated myself from my family and God and tried to live the next 10 years of my life alone. I hurt so many people along the way, but 2 months ago I swallowed my pride and went to get help and I am a changed man. If you believe in God in the slightest, a God who created this whole universe, then you have to be able to believe he can heal a broken man like me. So once again, to anyone I hurt, I'm so sorry. I'm not really that person and I never will be again. I know I'm a little biased but I absolutely love who I am now and I'm so hopeful and excited for my future in God, and I promise you want to be apart of it. I know God put me through all this because he knew I was the only person on earth stubborn enough to make it though haha. But I really do feel like he called me for a reason. And I know from now on I will only do great things for Him and when people think of David Robinson they will think of an amazing man of God who stuck it out through so absolutely horrible stuff and is doing Gods work.